DOOMLANDS

CHAPTER TWO

CENTIPEDO.jpg

CHAPTER TWO

MY DINNER WITH MONICA

And the door creaks, and creaks, and creaks. Finally, from behind the door emerges Barry, a pleasant looking guy with a strange neck. Lhandi demands some Doomshine, but Barry calls her bluff, leading Lhandi to shoot him in the arm. Barry begins to wail in pain and complains that Lhandi “didn’t even try to have any banter” before she shot him. Having heard the commotion, the rest of the Oasis crew break down the front door to find a heavily-bleeding Barry and an overwhelmed Lhandi. When Danny learns what happened he quickly begins to censure Lhandi. (“You gotta have banter! That’s the fun part!”) The rest of the crew also voices their disappointment, with Tetsuo seeming the most distraught. Danny rushes an apology to Barry and tries to usher Lhandi back to the Oasis, but Barry has other ideas. Slithering out of his normal human clothes, Barry reveals himself to be a gigantic centipede-like creature and begins coiling around the crew. After a brief fight, Barry has the entire crew except Danny in a large cage (for those keeping count, Jep is now in two cages). Danny scrambles into the rows of garbage that make Trash Mountain where he discovers his long-lost P76. In an attempt to use the car in an impressive stunt that would decapitate Barry, Danny instead crashes horrifically, ending with him sliding into the cage with his friends.

 Barry spirits them away inside where they learn what horrors he’s been hiding. Corpses litter Barry’s dining room where he has handcuffed them all around his dinner table. The meal on offer: an alive, bound-and-gagged Jep, complete with apple-stuffed anus. Danny, humiliated and defeated, requests that he gets Jep’s liver as it’s probably polluted with enough booze that it will at least give him a buzz before he dies. Lhandi is outraged. The hero she once adored is rolling over, letting them all be slaughtered in the process. She announces that she fully regrets the “Danny Doom is a Boss Man!” tattoo she got across her back as a teen. This leads to a very personal, very insulting argument between Lhandi and Danny where she accuses him of just criticizing her whenever she tries to fit in. Barry sympathizes with Lhandi, describing his old fights with a woman named Monica, whose corpse he still has sitting at the head of the table. Lhandi and Barry bond quickly over their inability to live up to people’s expectations and decide they’ll be friends instead. Barry releases Lhandi from her cuffs, and she sends a secret message to Dannny referencing one of his great escapes from his stories. But the message is entirely lost on Danny and Barry begins feasting on his body. Panicked, Lhandi jumps for a knife, but, in doing so, lands on Jep, rocketing the apple from his ass into Barry’s throat. Lhandi frees the rest of the crew and agrees to save Barry’s life if he helps them out with their problem.

The ogres that stole the Oasis’s Doomshine are gathered at their hideout listening to the preachings of their new feline High Leader when a bullet from Jep’s gun explodes its head mid-sermon. The crew, now with Barry in tow as a secret weapon, go into battle with the ogres. With the fight clearly in their favor, Lhandi and Danny share a moment where they express how much they actually appreciate each other, despite what they said in Barry’s house. It’s a nice moment that is quickly ruined by an errant axe from the battlefield that slices off one of Lhandi’s arms. She barely has time to freak out before two large green domes are placed around the ogres and the Oasis crew. On a distant cliff we see the source of the domes: a pack of Dusters, green flames glowing from their palms.