DOOMLANDS

CHAPTER SIX

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CHAPTER SIX

THE BARRYS

 

It’s been a few weeks, and for some reason, Barry is still hanging around. Most of the crew is alright with his presence, he’s a nice enough guy, but Lhandi is on edge. Everywhere she goes, Barry seems to be there wanting to hang out. Things come to a head, when Barry interrupts Lhandi’s bubble bath with on offer to “help her reach that one part of her back” with the loofa. In a rage, Lhandi pushes Barry through the doorway and slams the heavy metal door, cutting off Barry’s head in the process. Everyone is shocked when, instead of dying, Barry’s halves actually regenerate their missing parts resulting in two Barrys. Lhandi suggests to Danny that this is probably a situation he should nip in the bud, but Danny has other priorities. As he does every year, Danny has brought the Oasis to Shimmer Lake, one of the only clean water lakes in the entire wasteland. It’s tradition that for a few days every year the crew takes a break at the lake where Xanthena can suntan, Tetsuo can swim, and Danny and Jep can continue to try to fish for the mysterious Xenofish, a gigantic, all-white aquatic creature most definitely made so by radiation. They’ve gotten close before, but Danny is positive this will be the year. The rest of the crew urges Lhandi to join them at the lake, but she chooses to stick around the Oasis and apologize to Barry for decapitating him. When she does re-enter the Oasis, she is instantly disheartened to find four Barrys playing cards together. They turn in unison: “We can explain!”

 At the lake, everyone’s having a great time. Xanthena’s getting a rich hue (with no tan lines!), Tetsuo is dazzling everyone with his dolphin-like jumps out of the water, and Jep has foregone using a fishing pole, opting instead to shoot at the fish. Danny begins to wonder if the Xenofish has already been caught, or even worse, died of old age, when a harsh bite on his line changes his mind. Not only is the Xenofish out there, it’s become stronger than ever. Danny realizes he’s going to have to take a more clever approach to land the beast.

 Back in the Oasis, Lhandi is chastising Barry for irresponsibly reproducing. She tells him he has to get it under control or all the Barrys will be kicked out. Barry responds by telling her he’d love to help, but he’s actually one of the newest Barrys and doesn’t really understand what she’s talking about. Lhandi seeks out the Original Barry and finds him having a threeway with two other Barrys on Danny’s bed. (“What?! Oh, if you could make more yous this would be the first thing you’d do! I know where all my stuff is!”) As she backs out of the room, she trips over two other Barrys 69ing. She yells at Barry, demanding no more Barrys be created. Original Barry apologizes and says the only reason he was creating more versions of himself was because he could tell she was getting annoyed with him. Lhandi feels a bit guilty, but before she can say anything we can hear a new Barry being born at the bar. She and Original Barry peek their heads in and see a Barry with a stud earring and a mohawk. (“Oh, well, that’s obviously the Bad Barry.”) Lhandi tries to get in touch with Danny with a walkie-talkie, but he responds that he’s “on fucking vacation.”

 Danny, meanwhile, has tied a chain around Tetsuo and convinced him to act as bait to catch the Xenofish. Tetsuo is excited at the opportunity to make a meal out of their prey, so he’s willing to take the risk. Sure enough, Tetsuo’s fancy swimming draws the creature out from hiding and a tense underwater chase ensues. But just as Danny is about throw a spear between its eyes, the Xenofish swallows Tetsuo whole. Everyone freaks the fuck out. Danny instructs Xanthena and Jep to keep trying to catch the fish while he returns to the Oasis to get as many weapons as he can.

 When he gets there, he finds Lhandi has been tied up by Bad Barry who now has designs to steal the Oasis. Danny is seized by Bad Barry’s Barry followers and tied up next to Lhandi. Lhandi gears up to give Danny the biggest I-told-you-so of his life, but when he tells her about Tetsuo she realizes they don’t have time to bicker. As Bad Barry attempts to figure out how to drive the Oasis (to be fair the controls aren’t very intuitive), Lhandi and Danny manage to talk to Original Barry. They plead with him to gain control of the Oasis. Barry, frightened to see all his darkest impulses unleashed in Bad Barry, agrees to help and enlists what he considers to be the two “sexiest” Barrys to distract Bad Barry. Bad Barry, being who he is, of course cannot resist, and sneaks off with the Groupie Barrys. Original Barry locks them in their room from the outside and releases Lhandi and Danny, who hops into the driver’s seat and bombs the Oasis down to the lake.

 As soon as they arrive, Jep and Lhandi fight off the followers of Bad Barry with the help of some other Barrys whose allegiance is to Original Barry. As the battle rages, Danny catches sight of the Xenofish surfacing. He hands Original Barry some knives and whispers in his ear. Barry nods and jumps into the water where he is swallowed by the Xenofish instantly. Lhandi asks Danny what the hell he was thinking. Before he can answer, Bad Barry breaks out of his makeshift prison and begins approaching Danny, gun in hand. Bad Barry monologues about a future where the Wasteland is populated solely by Barrys, all fucking and sucking each other and hailing him as their king. Danny tells him that’s super gross. Just as Bad Barry is about to shoot him, the Xenofish surfaces again, but it looks different, as though it is very much in pain. Soon, its stomach explodes, with dozens of Barrys erupting out of it with Tetsuo in their midst. A huge slab of Xenofish lands on Bad Barry, pinning him down. As he pleads for his life, Danny grabs a flamethrower from the side of the Oasis and burns him to a crisp. Danny thanks Original Barry for his help, but tells him there’s no way all these Barrys can live on the Oasis. Original Barry acknowledges as much and tells Danny he’s actually gonna start a new village, a peaceful one, populated entirely by Barrys and run by himself and his new fiancé, one of the Barrys. Lhandi makes Barry promise that he will come and visit them soon. Barry does but assures her that he’ll give her the heads up beforehand. The friends hug, their problems put behind them. Tetsuo grills up the Xenofish, everyone gets drunk, and Lhandi finally lets herself join the vacation.