DOOMLANDS

CHAPTER ONE

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CHAPTER ONE

KNIGHT IN DOOM SHINING ARMOR

 Danny Doom, (think Mad Max crossed with Robin Hood crossed with Joe Strummer) is handcuffed in the middle of the desert, finally captured by a group of marauders he’s swindled. But before their leader, Ricky, can execute his prisoner, Danny turns the tables by preying on Ricky’s gambling addiction. (“Doom, you know I have a problem. I promised my wife!”) After using Ricky’s own gun and hands to mow down the marauders, Danny hops in his trusty P76 (the only car kick ass enough for a hero of this calibre) and leaves the corpses quite literally in his dust, another fantastic tale in a career of fantastic tales. It’s a tale so fantastic, in fact, that we jump to the present day and see a slightly more bloated, much more intoxicated Danny Doom regaling the patrons of his subterranean bar-on-wheels, The Oasis, with those particular exploits. Everyone listening has a different reaction to the story: Danny’s ex-police-nemesis-turned-drinking buddy Jep is lost in a stuporous reverie, lizard chef Tetsuo is busy cooking koala stew, drag queen and den mother Xanthena has heard it all before, but new bartender, Lhandi is rapt. Danny’s tales of outlawing are what she LIVES for and having adventures like this are why she left the comforts of her well-to-do family in the first place. The consensus, however, is that the modern-day Danny Doom is a far cry from the hero from his stories. He’s become complacent, drunk, and lazy. Lhandi refuses to believe this about her hero, so when a rowdy group of ogres storm the Oasis and begin pissing all over it, she quickly volunteers Danny for head-crushing duty. When the ogres begin to escalate the situation, Danny shies away from the conflict (“I’m not even Danny! I’m...Blake.”) An exasperated Lhandi takes the situation into her own hands leading to the accidental, but extremely gruesome death of the ogres’ cat, whom it turns out is also their spiritual leader. In retaliation, the ogres trash the bar, piss on it a lot more, and steal every drop of Doomshine (the highly-drinkable ale that keeps the Oasis’s customers numb to their doomed surroundings.) They’re now a bar with no beer - they’re fucked.

Lhandi’s first impulse is to chase after the ogres, kill them all, and teabag their corpses, but that all sounds like too much work to Danny. He’s confident he knows of a place where they can just steal some Doomshine off an unsuspecting sucker and puts Lhandi in charge of getting Jep in his “Sober Cage”. It’s a literal cage that Jep needs to be put in when he dries out because he... well, he bites people. Danny brings the crew to Trash Mountain, a place where he assures them one can find anything if they look hard enough. His idea pans out pretty quick when they stumble on a sign that reads “Free Beer! For Friends!” They all agree this is most definitely a trap, which is why Danny has concocted two plans: they can rush in guns blazing, kill everyone, and steal the beer (a plan that Lhandi loves), or they can sneak around the back and task Tetsuo and Xanthine with unloading whatever they can find out the rear door. Danny, of course, chooses the latter, much to Lhandi’s chagrin. But before the crew can jump into action, they find Lhandi has stolen Jep’s gun and run off to the house in the distance to do things her own way. Lhandi approaches the eerie house, hands trembling around the gun, as the front door slowly creaks open.